I’ve been thinking a lot about love lately.
I worked with a young couple today (working with couples is something I’m slowly easing into and I’m loving doing it). They started out stiff and nervous and by the end were warm, sparkling, making jokes, touching each other’s hair, smiling into each other’s eyes, and you could just feel the love and humor and play.
Y’all can I tell you something?
I am GOOD at making people feel love.
This is a new thing. I don’t even know how I do it or when it started. But to tell you the truth, I THINK it started during the early part of COVID. You wouldn’t think it but when I feel into it that seems like the right timeline. Despite all the horror and all the terrible things.
Somehow, in the midst of this dark time, I suddenly unlocked a gift I didn’t know I had – the gift of making people FEEL LOVE. That warmth, humor, sparkle and the absence of fear. And I don’t know how I do it. I just don’t know. I’ve been trying to figure it out.
But so often after I talk to people for a while, they suddenly say, “I feel like I have to hug you!” And they just reach out and we do the thing. It happens literally EVERY DAY.
I have been thinking about this a LOT. Trying to understand it. Trying to feel into it and get into what it is. I know I didn’t do things like this before COVID. Something shifted.
I am trying to understand this gift. I am also working on my own self care. The pandemic created this pattern where when things got hard – and they were really, really hard for a long, long time – I just buckled everything down, locked down my energy and went at it. I holed up and drove away at the thing, the wall of fear and pain and death, until it broke and I could pull people through to life and light.
I did that for two years. Everyone lived; I didn’t lose a single person to COVID and haven’t yet. That is where the connection to archangel Uriel comes in. Somehow, I was able to keep all the people under my watch from dying of the plague. And I don’t know how I did it. Sometimes I think I loved them right out of the danger.
But. I recently realized that this pandemic pattern of just disappearing off radar to focus is not only less necessary now, it’s actually not that healthy anymore. I need connection. I need replenishment. I need to follow up with people I’ve been meaning to talk to for months. There are so many people who love me that it’s ridiculous. So many so many.
So tonight I sat down and sent voice messages to 6 or 7 people across the country, the world. And you know what? They all responded in less than 7 minutes! It was amazing. They all want to talk to me. They all miss me. It was this huge outpouring of love and “we miss you Elaine!”
I also got to make some apologies for dropped connections that I didn’t handle well or didn’t follow through on. I am going to reconnect with all of these people within the next few weeks. It’s nurture, it’s nourishment, it’s love.
This love thing is big. I have been quietly meditating on what Dee left me, his legacy of bigger than life love and connection with people. I have been reflecting on how there was a transmission of a teaching there, from this man who mentored me closely for a decade and a half. He was the epitome of fearless, boundless love and shining humor and intelligence. I still miss him every day.
And I reflect on his deathbed command to me: teach men how to love, it’s hard for them. I still don’t know what this truly means but the truth of it rings deep. He meant ME and he meant MEN. The really strange thing is that Dave Carapetyan said the exact same thing to me two weeks later when I went out to Rally Ready. He said I was the one to do this thing, with the men out there.
I don’t know what it means. But I have been reflecting on it a lot. Daily, hourly. What does it mean to teach men to love?
I suspect it is the final unlocking of what I have always been afraid to fully explore: the capacity to make others FEEL LOVE. To experience it in their bodies, their very beings.
Sometimes I hear, or people say to me, that they somehow got the impression that I’m a harsh person and then they are so surprised when they get closer and realize it’s nothing like that. This assessment surprises me, too, because it’s not reflective of what I feel at any time.
Love can be firm and scary but it’s not harsh. I think the real thing is, this culture is running at a major love deficit, relationships are flailing and failing all over the place. People just don’t know how to treat each other. They don’t know how to speak to each other with respect. They don’t know how to have good boundaries. They don’t know how to help each other in conflict, or how to speak truth about pain and work through it. They don’t know how to connect. And because of these factors, I have to be very, very firm with people: You need to stop that behavior. You need to not say that kind of thing to your partner/friend/family member. You need to get control of your emotions.
Sometimes this can sound harsh but the upshot is that when people’s behavior is this rude, out of control, thoughtless and ugly, their relationships will continue to explode. There is no need to be ugly to others. There is no need to say thoughtless and wounding things to others. We can do better, and we need to, for the sake of our friendships, families, society. This country needs an absolute fuckton of growing up to happen, the quicker the better.
The entire pattern of America is that when people hit anything tough, they just run away, they ghost, they stop talking to the very person or people that they could work through the thing with and gain a great healing from. This culture is drowning in fear and it’s literally killing all of us, because fear is disconnection and narcissism and death.
I think I have something about changing that inside me. Something big. I don’t know what it is. I do know that somehow I am able to do it, to make people FEEL LOVE. I don’t know yet if it’s a skill I can teach or transmit. It feels like it was transmitted to me, and that I’m in a schooling process around it.
One of the people I voice texted tonight was someone I got into a weird conflict with some months ago, right after Dee died when I was in a terrible place, just in pieces. Looking back I don’t even know why I was unable to answer his FaceTime call he made to try to resolve the issue between us, and why I refused to talk to him.
I took responsibility for that and said I was sorry – that it was not an excuse. That I really still didn’t know why I didn’t take his call back then, and that I regret it. That I wish I had been smarter or in a better place to recognize the risk he was taking in reaching out to me in the middle of kind of a big fight, and that I had been more courageous and taken that call.
He was totally understanding and we plan to catch up soon.
I think fearlessness is a big part of this. A big, big, big part. It’s never about being perfect. It is about DOING it. It’s about answering that call, or making that call, to say, “you know, I really don’t know what happened there, between us, but I want to make it right.”
That goes such a long way and NO ONE does it. So many good connections end because people just won’t reach out and say “hey, let’s try to work through this.”
It’s a shame. It’s terrible. It makes me sad when I look out there and see that this is the norm. Because we live in a time where the good people are very, very rare and it’s important to hang on to the ones you do encounter. People’s character nosedived during COVID and it’s gotten worse over time, and I don’t know that I think this is overall heading in a good direction in our country at this time.
When you meet the good ones. Even if they’re in a bad place. Even if they’re making mistakes. Even if they’re struggling. Connect with them and keep connecting. Because circumstances change and then you’ll be so glad. You will have an absolute gem of a person in your life that you met at not the best time and because you stuck with it, that dusty rock will turn out to be a hunk of gold when you clean it off.
Love you all.